


BlazBlue Continuum Shift Double Features

by Pokejedservo



Category: BlazBlue
Genre: Drunkenness, F/F, F/M, Fondling, Implied Yuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-10
Updated: 2013-01-09
Packaged: 2017-11-24 08:19:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/632357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pokejedservo/pseuds/Pokejedservo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I did a alternate gag reel/Help Me Professor Kokonoe skit for Makoto and Valkenhayn ever since I heard they will be playable in BlazBlue Continuum Shift II since they weren't playable in the story mode. Okay I admit I have written these before I have heard that they will be fully playable in Continuum Shift Extend's Story mode since this is for the Gag Reel and HMPK skits I figured it would not be that big a deal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Makoto Nanaya

(Part One: Makoto's Gag Reel)

[One afternoon as Litchi Faye Ling is treating young Carl Clover at her clinic]

Litchi: Oh Carl you really should be careful out there…

Carl: I know Miss Litchi but I have to try to see what I can do for my sister, after all no matter what I can't give up on her.

Litchi: I understand Carl however that is more of a reason why you should be careful about what you are doing for your sister. Oh yes and if anyone ever gives you any strange medicine please consult me before you take any of it understood?

Carl: Yes Miss Litchi…

[Then Rachel Alucard along with Nago and Gii and her butler Valkenhayn have teleported into Miss Litchi's clinic.]

Gii: Princess what are we doing here?

Nago: Yes have we accidentally teleported here again? Princess you really should work on your teleporting.

[Then of course Rachel hits them for that.]

Gii & Nago: Ow!

Rachel: I will not stand here and be criticized by the likes of you two simpletons!

Litchi: Hello Rachel and Mr. Valkenhayn…

Valkenhayn: Good afternoon Miss Litchi I do apologize for the intrusion but it appears that we have accidentally teleported here.

Litchi: Oh… It's alright Mr. Valkenhayn you all can make yourselves at home of course…

[Then as Rachel notices Carl]

Rachel (as she is looking away): Good afternoon Child…

Carl (as he is looking away): Hello Miss Rachel…

Rachel: *ahem* Valkenhayn I am parched I request for some tea at once.

Valkenhayn: Yes Milady, Miss Litchi do you have any tea in which I can serve to Madam Rachel?

Litchi: Yes well I only have Oolong tea would that suitable?

Rachel: Oh dear no that would not do at all…

Litchi: Really?

Valkenhayn: Oh yes I believe that Madam Rachel prefers certain other types of Tea such as Earl Grey, Jasmine and of course Darjeeling.

Litchi: Well there is a Tea Shop nearby that does sell a wide variety of teas in fact if I remember correctly I believe that they do have some Darjeeling Tea for sale when I walked by there earlier today.

Valkenhayn: Ah yes thank you Miss Litchi I do appreciate the information here.

Litchi: You're welcome Mr. Valkenhayn

Carl: Hmm… Perhaps I should pay a visit to that tea shop as well…

Valkenhayn: Oh really? So are you a connoisseur of Tea as well young Carl?

Carl: Oh yes I have always been quite fond of Tea as well in fact I do like to have some nice Tea Time every now & then as well.

[Then Rachel did give Carl a slight aside glance and she has a small smile on her face in which nobody noticed… except for Valkenhayn whom had a small smile on his face as well.]

Valkenhayn: Young Carl would you like to accompany me to the store?

Carl: What? Oh I didn't expect this…

Valkenhayn: Is something the matter young man?

Carl: Oh it's not a problem I was just surprised by your offer that is all…

Valkenhayn: Oh yes well I thought I offer you the chance to accompany me, that way it would help ensure that both you and Madam Rachel will receive your Tea that you would both desire. 

Carl: Oh alright then sure, thank you Mr. Valkenhayn.

Valkenhayn: You are quite welcome young man so we shall be off but we will return, Miss Litchi would you like for us to get some tea for you while we are out?

Litchi: Oh no Mr. Valkenhayn that won't be necessary I have plenty of Oolong Tea here but thank you for the offer anyways.

Valkenhayn: Very well then we must be off come along Carl.

Carl: Yes Mr. Valkenhayn…

[Then the old man and the young boy have left for the Tea Store, a short while later a certain trio of 3 young ladies have entered Litchi's clinic.]

Noel & Tsubaki: Good afternoon Miss Litchi

Makoto: Hi there Miss Litchi

Litchi: Hello there girls to what do I owe the pleasure of this arrival? Makoto have you been climbing trees again?

Makoto: No its not that we were just making a nice little visit here since we were nearby.

Noel: We hope that we aren't intruding…

Litchi: Oh it's no problem at all you three, though something tells me that a certain you-know-who will be showing up any minute now.

Taokaka: HEEEEEERES TAO! Hey there Boobie Lady!

Litchi: Hello Tao

Makoto: I knew we'd be seeing you here, hey there Tao.

Taokaka: Fluffy Girl! *as she plays with Makoto's body especially her tail* Furry Furry Tail!

Makoto: Oh Tao I always love on how your so playful.

Taokaka: I see that Mew brought some friends over such as Red Lady and Lacking Lady!

Noel: TAO! How many times have I told you to stop calling me that?!

Makoto (in a suddenly stern tone): Tao remember what we talked about…

Taokaka: Oh yeah I forgot…

Noel: Huh? What's going on here?

Taokaka: Tao promised Fluffy Girl not to call Lacking Lady by Lacking Lady anymore.

Noel: Oh Makoto you always are such a good friend to me.

Makoto: I got Tao to promise not to call you that anymore so she can still play with my tail.

Taokaka: Oh and your boobies must not forgot Fluffy Girl's big bouncing boobies!

Makoto: Well yes those too…

Litchi: Really Tao must you maintain that habit of yours even with other people?

Taokaka: Oh don't worry Boobie Lady you will always be Boobie Lady to me, say Fluffy Girl do you want to play with Boobie Lady's big boobies with me some time?

Makoto: Oh yes Tao that sounds like a wonderful idea!

Litchi (slightly nervous): Say uh Noel, are you curious about what Tao is going to call you now?

Noel: Yeah that's a good question Miss Litchi…

Taokaka: I don't know… How about Funny Hat Girl?

Noel: Eh how about my actual name Noel?

Taokaka: No…Al?

Noel: Eh on second thought Funny Hat Girl will be just fine… *under her breath* After all she has given me worse names… But wait what will she call me if she doesn't see me with a hat on?

[Then Valkenhayn and Carl have returned to the Clinic from the Tea Store.]

Valkenhayn: Oh my young Carl it appears that your abilities at foresight are impeccable.

Carl: Oh its no big deal Valkenhayn, I figured that it would be a good idea to get some more tea if anyone else shows up at Miss Litchi's clinic while we were out. After all a lot of people have shown up at Miss Litchi's clinic before and if nobody did show up then there is no harm in having some extra tea around.

Taokaka: Hey it's Butter Person and Shorty!

Carl: Hello there Miss Kitty, oh hi there girls…

Noel, Tsubaki and Makoto: Hi Carl

[Rachel was nearby rolling her eyes at this]

Valkenhayn: Good afternoon ladies, young Carl and I were out getting some Tea mainly for Madam Rachel here. However we have some extra tea available would any of you ladies like some Tea as well? We have different brands of Tea such as Earl Grey and Darjeeling for example.

Tsubaki: Oh I would like some Earl Grey

Noel: I would like some Tea as well but I am not all that particular so I will take any Tea you're preparing.

Makoto: Thanks old man but no thanks I am always been more of a Soda girl, generally a lot more caffeinated.

Taokaka: Caf-a-nated? Oh that sounds good Fluffy Girl; Tao wants some of that "Caf-a-nated" stuff.

Litchi: Eh I am really don't think that is a good idea Tao, say Tao remember the Tea I served you some the other day? Would you like some?

Taokaka: Oh yeah Tao remembers that tasty stuff Boobie Lady gave Tao, sure Boobie Lady I'll have some.

Litchi: Good

Rachel: Valkenhayn need I remind you that I am still quite parched?

Valkenhayn: My sincerest apologies Madam I shall begin right away!

Litchi: If you like Mr. Valkenhayn I can help you with making enough Tea for everyone here.

Valkenhayn: That sounds like a splendid idea Miss Litchi, I will prepare the Tea for the Children while you prepare the Tea for the ladies here would that be alright with you Miss Litchi?

Litchi: That sounds like a good idea but let's get to that Tea now shall we?

Valkenhayn: Yes…

[Then Valkenhayn and Litchi were busy in the Kitchen preparing Tea and in a short while later they have made plenty of Tea in which almost everyone in that room now has some Tea. Things were pretty quiet at the Clinic at first however Makoto noticed the children Rachel and Carl having a spot of Tea together. Namely on how Makoto noticed that Rachel did have a small smile on her face as she saw Carl cleaning his mouth off like a proper gentleman would. Then Makoto had an idea as she had a gleefully perverted smile on her face and as she approaches young Carl.]

Makoto: Hey there Carl

Carl: Eh hello there Makoto…

Makoto: Oh look at you Carl you're just sitting there trying to look so distinguished it's just so cute.

Carl: Oh… Really?

Makoto: Oh yes… Ooooh… I just can't resist these urges anymore!

[Then Makoto glomps Carl and while Rachel had a slightly shocked look on her face however nobody else has seemed to have noticed.]

Carl: Ma… Makoto

Makoto: Oh Carl your just so cute and cuddly I can't resist!

Tsubaki: There she goes again… She always did have a thing for little boys…

Noel: Well this isn't the first time that this has happened…

Makoto: Oh Carl it's so wonderful on how your still so adorably cuddly…

[Meanwhile Rachel has been slightly fuming this whole time but as she placed her Tea cup down and grabbed Nago.]

Nago: P…Princess why are you closing me?

[Then Rachel walked over to Makoto whom still has Carl in her grasp then Rachel whacks Makoto's head with Nago, repeatedly.]

Nago: OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!

[Then Rachel knocked Makoto in the ground freeing Carl from her grasp.]

Rachel: Unhand him at once you vulgar-mannered harlot! 

Makoto: Ow what was that for?

Litchi: Now Rachel that wasn't very nice.

Rachel: Not very nice? Really Miss Litchi are you going to turn a blind eye to this Harlot's blatant misconduct towards Carl here?

Makoto: Misconduct? What are you talking about?

Rachel: You know very well what I am talking about you vulgar cretin, you are a grown woman and he is still a child. A proper lady should not act so lewd around a child you ought to be ashamed of yourself!

Taokaka (with a smile on her face): Bunny Person if you wanted to cuddle with Shorty so much you could have just said so.

Rachel (now definitely blushing): Wha…WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?! How dare you say such a thing you brain-damaged creature!

Litchi: Oh I don't know Rachel; you can be surprised on how insightful Tao can be.

Gii: Of course so this is why the Princess wanted to play with that boy so much.

Nago: Oh yes it all makes sense now; we really should have seen this sooner especially since the Princess is fairly transparent about this.

[Then of course Rachel smacks them for that.]

Gii & Nago: Ow! Princess that hurt!

Rachel: Hmph and you simpletons wonder why I punish you both so much.

Tsubaki: Oh yes Litchi I do agree that it looks like Tao has made a very good observation here.

Noel: Aw this is so cute…

Rachel: Silence! I… I have no idea why would you ever imply such a claim you foolish simpletons!

Makoto: Oh now now Rachel your mouth says no but your cheeks say yes.

[Unknown to the others Carl also has a slight blush on his face as he does try to hide it and he also tries not to say anything so hopefully he won't make things worse.]

Makoto: Ah young love is such a sweet thing, am I right Noel?

Noel: Oh of course this is too cute!

[And as the ladies have a good laugh; Rachel was fuming once again until…]

Rachel: CEASE THESE INCESSANT IMPLICATIONS AT ONCE YOU GROSSLY OVER-DEVELOPED HARLOTS!

[Then the room was a silent for a moment.]

Tao: Over Da-what? What is Bunny Person talking about?

Litchi: I'll… uh… tell you later Tao…

Noel (thinking): She thinks I'm over-developed? Yay! Somebody thinks I am over-developed! *Brief pause* Wait why am I taking this as a compliment?! Ooh maybe my friends are right that I am a little too sensitive about my body.

Rachel: I did not come here to be insulted! Valkenhayn, Nago, Gii we are to leave this vile house of harlots at once!

Tsubaki: I don't know if you want to do that Miss Rachel…

Rachel: Oh and what pray tell makes you think that you are in any position to be telling ME what to do?

Tsubaki: Well think about it Rachel if you leave without Carl there is a very good chance that Makoto could end up having some fun with him again.

Makoto: Oh yeah you know how I am about my "urges".

Rachel: Hmph that vile Harlot's "urges" are of no concern of mine I can assure you.

Makoto: I dunno you seem awfully concerned when I gave Carl a good glomping earlier.

Rachel: *sigh* It doesn't matter anyway that boy is more concerned about his sister than anyone else.

Gii: Oh yeah I almost forgot about that especially since the Princess actually has tried to help him before.

Nago: Yes you vile little ingrate you ought to be ashamed of yourself especially since the Princess is actually willing to help you. 

Valkenhayn: Now now you two while you both do speak the truth on how Madam Rachel has attempted to aid young Carl but perhaps he doesn't remember.

Carl: Actually… Mr. Valkenhayn I think I do remember…

Nago & Gii: What?!

Carl: Lately I have been having some strange memories… Some of them are with Miss Rachel here… There was this time where she teleported me to her place and she wanted to play with me. I tried telling her no and I was too busy trying to see what I can do about my sister but she was really getting annoyed about the fact that I was talking about my sister so much.

[Then Makoto had a small smile on her face thinking that apparently she is not the only girl whom has ever got Rachel a little jealous here.]

Carl: But after we played for a little bit she tried to help me by informing where I can go to try to help my sister but I wasn't able to save my sister. Yet this wasn't the only memory I have about Miss Rachel actually trying to help me. So I take it they were all true… were they?

Valkenhayn: Yes young Carl I can assure you they were all true.

Rachel (thinking): Oh my… how is this boy able to remember despite the time loops? How strange and yet… fascinating…

Carl: I see… Oh I want to do what I can for my sister, but I really have been pushing away people who only want to help me…

Noel: It's okay Carl as long as you learn that there are those whom really care about you and want to help you that's all that really matters.

Carl: Thank you Miss Noel and Miss Rachel I just want to say that I'm… I'm sorry… I called you a witch and yet you wanted me to play with you and you end up helping me despite the fact that I wanted you to go away I'm sorry…

Rachel: Yes well perhaps you will now learn to listen to yourself from now on…

Carl: I know… [As he now approaches Ada] Sis, I have something I need to say to you… I know Miss Rachel may not seem all that nice but she is really not a bad person. Miss Rachel does want to help and… and I think that she can she is probably more likely to be able to help us Ada. I know how things have been miserable for us Ada but there are still some good people out there. So please Sis believe me that Miss Rachel is a not a bad person, please?

Rachel (as she is very surprised by this): Oh my… Is he?

Valkenhayn: *ahem* Madam I can assure you that what your dear younger brother speaks is the truth. I understand that the both of you have faced such hardships in your lives but there are still many good people out there who desire to aid you so you must not give in to your despair and hatred. We are not your enemies madam and if you desire we can aid you and your dear younger brother in any way we can. I understand why you are so cold and bitter Madam but please do open your heart and let us help you for not only your sake but for your dear younger brother's sake as well.

[Both Carl and Valkenhayn remained silent for a moment as they await a reply from Nirvana A.K.A Ada.]

Carl: Thank you Sis, thank you so much…

Rachel: Oh my… Carl I… I don't know what to say…

Carl: Is something wrong Miss Rachel?

Rachel: Oh it's… its nothing… no it is something… I have a confession to make. Carl Clover your act of kindness has truly moved me and… and I believe such a surprising act of kindness deserves one in return. *Ahem* I Rachel Alucard of the House of Alucard will declare that as of now I shall directly aid Carl Clover's quest to save his beloved sister and I shall do everything within my power to aid you Carl.

Carl: Really?

Rachel: Really

Carl (as he is now giving Rachel a big hug): YAAAAAAAAAAY! [As Carl's cheek is rubbing up Rachel's] Oh thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Oh Rachel you have no idea what this means to me, thank you so much!

Rachel (as she has a big smile on her face): You're very welcome Carl as I too find this to be quite a joyous occasion.

Carl: Say Miss Rachel I never noticed until now that you have a really nice smile, you should smile more often Miss Rachel it looks really nice on you.

Rachel: Oh my not only have you become more of a gentleman it appears that you are also a bit of a charmer as well. So is there anything else you wish to admire about me you shameless flirt? Hmm?

Carl (now a little flustered): F…Flirt? I don't know about that Miss Rachel…

Rachel (as she has a little giggle): Oh Carl I was just having some fun with you.

Carl (as he too has a little giggle): Oh yeah I knew that…

Rachel: Riiiight… Anyways shall we discuss our plans over a cup of tea at my place?

Carl (as he holds one of Rachel's hands and is bowing to her): Why I would be delighted Madam Rachel, I truly would.

Rachel (as she trying to curtsy despite with one hand): Why thank you sir how very gentlemanly of you.

[The sight of Carl and Rachel smiling to each-other and holding hands have been very overwhelming for Noel and Makoto as they definitely are going into "squeeing fangirl" mode.]

Noel & Makoto: AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWW!

Noel: This is so… precious!

Makoto: I know it's so cute!

Taokaka: Meow! Tao knew it! Bunny Person DOES like Shorty!

Litchi: Yes you were right Tao of course I can understand why.

Tsubaki: Oh I agree Miss Litchi though I can't help but yet I wonder why she is calling him a shameless little flirt.

Makoto: Oh good point there Tsubaki…

[Then suddenly Rachel's mood was starting to turn a little sour again.]

Gii: Uh-oh the Princess has that look on her face again…

Nago: Oh yes we better brace ourselves Gii cause you know what this means.

Carl: Um Girls we appreciate the fact that your happy for us, really but I believe we should be going now right Mr. Valkenhayn?

Valkenhayn: Yes that would be correct young master Carl, thank you for your assistance Miss Litchi but we shall bid you farewell after all were you going to give Miss Taokaka another one of your lessons Miss Litchi?

Litchi: What? Oh… Oh No Mr. Valkenhayn, Taokaka doesn't have a lesson today…

Taokaka: Yeah don't be silly Mr. Butter Person this isn't a "Teach Me Miss Litchi" skit this is Furry Girl's Gag Reel. After all notice that we are using the regular character art for this skit?

Valkenhayn: Oh I see… Very well then we shall be off now, farewell.

Litchi: Farewell… *under her breath* Wow this visit from Rachel went out a lot better than I thought…

Tsubaki: Well it is starting to get a little late so we should be going now so farewell Miss Litchi and thank you for the Tea.

Litchi: Your welcome and feel free to come again girls.

Taokaka: Bye Fluffy Girl! Bye Red Lady! Bye… uh… Funny Hat Girl!

Makoto: Bye you two see you later.

Noel: Yes good bye for now.

[As the girls have left the Clinic and are now on the Streets of Kagutsuchi.]

Noel: Wow that visit turned out really well…

Tsubaki: Oh I agree Noel I do agree…

Makoto: Yep good thing I decided to help things along in my own way.

Noel: What do you mean Makoto?

Makoto: I noticed the look on old man Valkenhayn's face as he was watching Rachel having some Tea with Carl right next to her. So I thought I help make sure things go in the right direction here. I mean oh sure Little Miss Vampire here is probably still a little sore at me but hey all things considered it certainly turned out.

Noel: Oh so you were helping Carl this whole time? That is so sweet of you Makoto!

Tsubaki: Agreed, I never knew you could be such a romantic…

Makoto: Ah yeah but hey Tsubaki if you like I can help things out with you and Jin if you know what I mean.

Tsubaki (slightly flustered): I… appreciate the offer Makoto but lets just say I do hope you use some different… "Tactics"….

Makoto: Oh don't worry Tsubaki I will…

Noel: Say uh… Makoto can you help me find the "Mr. Right" in my life?

Makoto: Sure thing Noel after all what are friends for?

Noel: Thank you Makoto.

(Part Two: Makoto's "Help Me Professor Kokonoe" Skit)

Makoto: Help Me! Professor Kokonoe!

[Then we see Kokonoe at her lab in which she is at the center stage with the spotlight on her.]

Kokonoe: Greetings, lost children. I am Professor Kokonoe, genius scientist and ruler of the Sector Seven laboratory. …Well, OK, we aren't in the lab at the moment. This can be sort of be temporarily moved into the Boundary. Well, simply put, it's a mysterious room. A room where you can do anything you want. To be honest, it's a paradise for all those sad, little lost children who couldn't make it to the true ending. A sort of Avalon. If your one of those nutbars who's all "I don't need help" or "I only want to unlock hidden stuff" or "I'll just look for a flowchart online," then you can piss off.

[Brief Pause]

Kokonoe: Very well. Lost child of the day… you may enter.

[Then the Spotlight is turned off, Kokonoe walks a little to the left and then the place is fully lit and Makoto walks in.]

Makoto: Hi there Professor Kokonoe

Kokonoe: Hey there Agent Makoto, its good to see you, though let me guess since you're here that means you got a bad ending?

Makoto: Yep I'm afraid so let me guess this is the part where I can explain what happened before I got here?

Kokonoe: Ah no its not necessary, I've been doing this crap with you guys for a while now so I can pretty much guess what happened. So you tried to beat the crap out of Hazama but that asshole pretty much denied your chance of doing that, right?

Makoto: Yeah… (Now in a cutesy if a bit whiny voice) I was only wanting to crush Hazama's balls into a bloody red pulp.

Kokonoe: Oh Makoto I knew there was a reason why I like you.

[They both had a brief little laugh after that]

Kokonoe: Yeah but unfortunately this is the part where I have to say that you should try to avoid Hazama, I've pretty much had to say that to most of the other folks whom have came here as well.

Makoto: I know that must be really annoying…

Kokonoe: Oh you mean on how the Main Series Storyline practically bends its ass over to Hazama on a CONSTANT basis especially in the Arcade Mode?! Not too mention on how its pretty much why we have to constantly put up with Hazama's bullshit all the goddamn time and there is hardly anything we can do about it.

Makoto: Oh I'm sorry Professor Kokonoe I really didn't mean to strike a nerve, honest.

Kokonoe: Its okay Makoto I know you didn't mean any harm and yeah I know that was a bit too much of a rant but all things considered I couldn't help it. Anyways just to lighten the mood I thought we could have a little girl talk there Makoto in other words I got some interesting good news for you.

Makoto: Oh really? What is it?

Kokonoe: The other day a certain little Miss Vampire by the name of Rachel arrived here with a certain young fellow about her size.

Makoto: Oh really, he wouldn't happen to be a boy by the name of Carl Clover with short blond hair, glasses and a purple hat now would he?

Kokonoe: Yep, she was telling me about how she has her reasons why she is awfully interested if Carl has the potential to be an observer like her if you know what I mean.

Makoto: Awww… Ooooh, Looks like someone wants a playmate.

Kokonoe: Oh yeah you should have seen the look on her face when lets just say I pointed that out. But still I am helping those two out a bit so I should get back to my research see you later Makoto. Though should I get you in case if those kids come back?

Makoto: I don't know Professor Kokonoe, I mean sure Carl probably wouldn't mind seeing me but lets just say I am not exactly one of Rachel's favorite people thanks to certain recent events if you know what I mean.

Kokonoe: I see… Oh Makoto you wacky Shotacon you, alright I understand well see you later Makoto.

Makoto: Bye Professor Kokonoe!

[Then as she leaves Iron Tager drops by]

Kokonoe: Oh hey there Tager what are you doing here?

Tager: I have been rather curious lately Kokonoe, while I suppose its not too surprising that you are willing to aid that boy Carl Clover. However it is somewhat surprising that you are willing to aid Rachel Alucard considering the fact that you two have shown a bit of animosity recently.

Kokonoe: True, I haven't exactly been in the mood to want to help that spoiled brat lately which is why I so enjoyed teasing her however that boy Carl is more of the reason why I am willing to help. Rachel also told me that she promised Carl that she will help him out on what can be done about Nirvana. And lets just say I have a reason why I would want to try to see what I can do about Nirvana.

Tager: So Miss Rachel managed to convince that boy Carl to be away from Nirvana? That is a very good deed because that boy needed to be away from Nirvana considering how dangerous it is.

Kokonoe: Yeah I suppose you could say that well I better get back to doing my research so see you later Tager.

Tager: Farewell for now Kokonoe.

[The End]


	2. Valkenheyn R Hellsing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is my attempt at a Gag Reel/HMPK Skit for Valkenhayn in which this one is considerably longer than the one I did for Makoto though.

(Part One: Valkenhayn's Gag Reel)

[Meanwhile when Valkenhayn was away, Rachel was at the Orient Town in Kagutsuchi in a restaurant there and as she was sitting down at one of the seats.]

Gii: Princess why are we here while Valkenhayn is out?

Rachel: It's quite simple; I came here to have some Tea.

Nago: Tea? But Princess we have plenty of Tea back home.

Rachel: Yes but this is a very special kind of Tea that is imported and is made from a secret old recipe that is very rare to find. This Tea is known by the name of "Ivresse de la Nuit" so of course I was very intrigued by this rather exquisite rarity and I knew that I must try some.

Gii: Well I suppose that makes sense Princess…

Waitress: Here you go miss; here is your cup of Ivresse de la Nuit Tea…

Rachel: Thank you…

(As she already had a few sips of this Tea)

Rachel: Oh my… this… this is so… delicious…

(Then Rachel was having a few more sips until she started to chug it down and in a few moments she was done; now Rachel has quite a dazed look on her face.)

Rachel: *hiccup* Oooooooohhhh… Heh heh hehehehehehehehehehe….

(As Rachel is now looking at Gii and Nago with surprisingly quite a goofy grin on her face.)

Nago: Eh Princess? Why are you looking at us like that?

(A short while later Ragna the Bloodedge was in Kagutsuchi walking around in the streets minding his own business until someone quite literally got the jump on him.)

Rachel: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Ragna: AH! What the…

Rachel: Ragna! Yea it's Ragna!

Ragna: Ra…Rachel?! What are you doing?!

Rachel: Play with me Big Bro!

Ragna: Big Bro? Since when did you ever call me Big Bro?

Rachel: I want to play Ragna now giddy up! You're going to be my little pony so ride like the wind Pinkie Pie! Now Giddy Up! (As she gives him a good spank)

Ragna: Ow! I am so not a Pinkie Pie!

Rachel: Fine you can be Twilight Sparkle.

Ragna (as he is putting Rachel down): Look Rachel, seriously what the hell is going on here? Are you feeling okay?

Rachel: Okay? Oh I feel more than okay Big Bro, I feel giddy… WHOOPEE!

Ragna: The Hell?! Damn it Rachel stop running around so much!

Rachel: Whee! Try to catch me Big Bro! Whee!

Ragna: I am not your Bro!

Rachel: You're too slow Big Bro! *blows raspberries at him as she is lightly spanking herself* Try to catch this cheeky monkey big bro! Heheheheheehehehehehehehehe…

Ragna: Okay something is seriously wrong here; I have to see what the hell is wrong with that damn rabbit here.

(Moments later Ragna ends up running into Rachel's dear Butler Valkenhayn.)

Ragna: *Pant* *pant* For once I am glad to see you old man…

Valkenhayn: Oh really? And why do you say that?

Ragna: Its Rachel, something is seriously wrong with her.

Valkenhayn: What?! Is Madam Rachel safe? Oh I hope she is not injured…

Ragna: Are you kidding me? If anything she was injuring me after she jumped on me from behind. I mean just a little while ago I was just minding my own business until that damn rabbit jumped at me from behind. She was running around wanting me to play with her, and she even called me Big Bro.

Valkenhayn: She called you her older brother?

Ragna: I know crazy right? I mean she was practically being so bat-shit crazy I had to get out of there.

Valkenhayn: I see, very well then I suppose in light of these circumstances I shall take over this investigation here you should rest for now.

Ragna: For once I am going to have to agree; I have seen some pretty crazy bullshit lately but today has been REALLY weird.

Valkenhayn: Very well I shall be off…

(Meanwhile further downtown at Kagutsuchi, Hazama of NOL was standing looking there looking at his surroundings.)

Hazama: Ah Kagutsuchi, it looks so peaceful and serene oh I can't wait until I can really make this place be a real hellhole. Hmmm… What the…

Rachel: *hic* I'm going slightly mad… *hic* I'm going slightly mad… It finally happened… *hic* It finally happened… Oh yes it finally happened… I AM SLIGHTLY MAD! Oh dear… Hahahaha… Hmm? Oh it's Hazama! Hi hi!

Hazama: Eh Hi hi…

Rachel: Hi there Mr. Hazama, such a beautiful day today huh?

Hazama: Eh yeah… Rachel have you been lobotomized lately?

Rachel: *hic* Lobo-wha? Oh Hazama you big silly I am just so happy today so you want to play with me? You can be my Pinkie Pie.

Hazama: Pinkie Pie? Eh yeah… No…

Rachel: Aww oh well and I was just going to take you to a land of enchantment with these funny looking black holes I can make.

Hazama: Land of Enchantment eh? Interesting… Oh wait a minute Princess on 2nd thought I would be more than happy to play with you young lady as soon as we go to this Land of Enchantment that you know of.

Rachel: Really?

Hazama: Really…

Rachel: YIPPEE SKIPPEE! Let's go!

(Then they teleported away and they now appeared at the outskirts of a small town)

Hazama: Alright now let's see what to do with… Ahchoo! Ahchoo! Geez why is my head getting so stuffed up…

(Then Hazama realizes where they are namely at the outskirts of the Kaka Village.)

Hazama: Aw shit…

(Then Hazama quickly runs as far away from the Kaka Village as fast as he could then Rachel was soon greeted by Taokaka.)

Taokaka: HERE'S TAO! Mew Bunny Person what are you doing here? How come you're here by yourself mew?

Rachel: Hello hello Kitty, Hello Dear Friend… *hic* (as she is now petting Tao's stomach) Soft Kitty Warm Kitty… Little Ball of Fur…

Taokaka: Wow! I never knew you can be so nice Bunny Person your way more fun when you're being nice.

(Then apparently something else was approaching them as well namely a few of the Kaka Kittens.)

Cali-Kaka: Hi Tao!

Feisty-Kaka: Hey Tao!

Fluffy-Kaka: Can we play with you?

Rachel: KITTIES! Oh can I play with the kitties please? Pretty please?!

Taokaka: Sure! Hey you two Bunny Person wants to play with us so lets play!

Cali, Feisty & Fluffy Kaka: Yea!

(A short while later Valkenhayn was seen entering the Kaka Village and as he is approaching Jubei.)

Jubei: Oh hey there Valkenhayn, you're looking a little run down…

Valkenhayn: Oh I have been searching for Madam Rachel today as earlier today Ragna the Bloodedge approached me telling me that Madam Rachel's behavior has suddenly became very strange and I have been searching for Madam Rachel ever since.

Jubei: Well Valkenhayn old buddy I got some good news for ya, Rachel is safe here in this village.

Valkenhayn: She is?

Jubei: Yep hey Taokaka!

Taokaka: Mew what's up Cat Person? Oh hey there Butter Person.

Valkenhayn: Taokaka, Jubei was just telling me that Madam Rachel is here in this Village.

Taokaka: Oh Bunny Person? Yep she is busy playing with the Kaka Kittens.

Valkenhayn: Madam Rachel is busy playing with the Kaka Kittens?

Taokaka: Yep, see…

(At a nearby street corner Rachel was dancing with the Kaka Kittens as she was wearing a Kaka Clan robe like theirs.)

Rachel & the Kaka Kittens: La la la la la! Sing a happy song! La la la la la! Sing the whole day long!

Valkenhayn (with a VERY shocked look on his face): Oh my… Is that… Madam Rachel?

Jubei: Yeah I admit I was kinda surprised to see Rachel like this too but you got to admit the Kaka Clan robes look kind of good on her. Course I suppose I could be a little biased…

Taokaka: Meow Bunny Person is a lot more fun now that she is a lot nicer, mew.

Jubei : Yeah there is no harm in letting her have some fun Valkenhayn, besides who knows it might do her some good if she would actually have some fun with other people like a kid for once.

Valkenhayn: I do understand what you mean Jubei however we both know that Madam Rachel would be most displeased about this once she regains her senses.

Jubei: Yeah you do have a point there, say Taokaka you go ahead and play with the kids, while Butter Person and I still have some things to discuss.

Taokaka: Mew! Okay Cat Person if you say so!

(Meanwhile as Jubei and Valkenhayn are now alone in a nearby area…)

Valkenhayn: Yes Jubei what is it that you wish to speak to me of?

Jubei: Well you see Valkenhayn I came into the Kaka Village when I noticed that Rachel was entering the village and she seemed to be acting weird, but for a moment I noticed that Hazama was nearby…

Valkenhayn: Hazama?! Oh no if Hazama is nearby than that must mean that Madam Rachel is in danger! Especially considering her current state she would be very vulnerable right about now…

Jubei: Relax Valkenhayn, Rachel is going to be just fine…

Valkenhayn: How can you be so sure about that?!

Jubei: Simple you want to know the real reason why he hates cats so much?

Valkenhayn: His animosity with you?

Jubei: Well yeah, but I have learned that he is allergic to cats, I was able to at least notice that Hazama was looking scared that he was in the village which he started to sneeze and hauled his scrawny sorry ass out of there as quickly as he could. Why that dumb bastard is probably at his office trying to treat his stuffed up head even as we speak.

Valkenhayn (after having a slight chuckle): Oh my… It is normally against my nature to laugh at another person's misfortune but I suppose in this case such an act would be permissible.

Jubei: Well yeah considering who the "victim" is I can definitely agree with you there.

Valkenhayn: Indeed… However I now wonder if Hazama had any part of how Madam Rachel is now in her current state.

Jubei: To be honest I kind of doubt it, it really doesn't seem to be his style. I'd bet you one of my whiskers that he was probably just as surprised as we are about seeing Rachel like this.

Valkenhayn: You do raise a valid point, though I suppose I should investigate this part of the situation further at a later date.

Jubei: Yeah but one other thing about this that is a real head-scratcher is what happened to Rachel's familiars, that Cat Umbrella and that flying fat bat.

Valkenhayn: Ah you mean Nago and Gii? Ah yes that is an interesting question, perhaps if I can find them they might be able to aid me with this mystery.

Jubei: I suppose that does sound like a possibility, but the thing is to find out where they are because I did a quick search in the Kaka Village and I couldn't find them here.

Taokaka: Hey Cat Person and Butter Person

Jubei: Yes Taokaka what's up?

Taokaka: Oh it's nothing I just came to tell you that Bunny Person already left.

Valkenhayn: Madam Rachel has left the village? Taokaka do you know any reason why Madam Rachel has left the Village?

Taokaka: I don't know, I was asking Bunny Person if there was anyone else she wanted to play with. I told Bunny Person that I saw Shorty in Orient Town a little while ago and Bunny Person just left.

Valkenhayn: Oh my…

Jubei: That is strange; I wonder why she would do that…

Valkenhayn: I believe I know the reason why… I mean it was nice talking to you Jubei but I am afraid I must go.

Jubei: I understand Valkenhayn but you ought to take her to this Village again some time.

Valkenhayn: We'll see about that but for now I must go…

(Meanwhile back in Orient Town, young Carl Clover was busy sipping some tea.)

Carl: Hmm… This is delicious… *sigh* such a shame that this restaurant insisted that Ada couldn't be in the building but I suppose she will be okay. Now I wonder what I shall have for dessert…

Rachel (as she is glomping him): CARL!

Carl: AH! (Then he is trying to grab and re-adjust his glasses) What the… Ra… Rachel?!

Rachel (as she is having a naughty little smile on her face): Hello Carl…

Carl: Hello Rachel this is definitely a surprise… (As he is now starting to show a slight blush) *gulp* especially so close…

Rachel: *giggle* Oh Carl… *hic* you're so funny…

Carl: Uh Rachel are you feeling okay, I mean this is not like you, I mean this REALLY isn't like you.

Rachel: Oh I know… You know Carl I am so sorry on how we started things on the wrong foot after all I always did want to play with a sweet handsome young man like yourself.

Carl: Oh… really…

Rachel: Oh yes my delightful little Mad Hatter, may I be your Alice or your March Hare? 

Carl: Now Rachel lets try to calm down here and have some nice tea, after all you like Tea right?

Rachel: Oh Carl you truly have become quite a gentleman have you? (As Rachel is now hugging Carl and rubbing one of her cheeks up against his…) You're such a sweet boy…

Carl (getting really flustered): Ehhh… thanks… I mean uh Rachel… People are starting to watch…

Rachel: Oh let them watch… Or do you want us to be alone?

Carl: Well…

Rachel: Very well then… (As she teleports Carl and herself back to inside Rachel's castle.) Now where were we?

(Meanwhile in the streets of Kagutsuchi, Valkenhayn was walking the streets until he was approached by Taokaka.)

Taokaka: Hey Butter Person!

Valkenhayn: Oh hello there Taokaka, let me guess Jubei sent you to aid me in my search.

Taokaka: Actually Scruffy Man was looking for you…

Valkenhayn: Scruffy Man?

Bang: She would be referring to me, Bang Shishigami!

Valkenhayn: Oh hello Mr. Shishigami

Bang: Oh yes I remember you your that elderly gentleman whom was with that little girl Rachel.

Valkenhayn: Yes I am Madam Rachel's Butler, Valkenhayn and with all due respect Mr. Shishigami but why are you so interested in having an audience with me?

Bang: Oh yes I have found these creatures whom are normally with Miss Rachel while I was patrolling the streets of Kagutsuchi.

(As Bang walks to a nearby corner and grabs Nago and an unconscious Gii.)

Gii (as he is waking up): Val…Valkenhayn?

Nago: Oh thank goodness it's you Valkenhayn, now will you please tell this sweaty man to unhand me?

Valkenhayn: Very well Nago, Mr. Shishigami if you please.

Bang: Very well then.

Valkenhayn: Yes anyways, Nago, Gii do you two have any recollection on why is Madam Rachel behaving so erratically?

Gii: Well it all started on how earlier this afternoon Rachel took us to one of the restaurants here for some tea.

Valkenhayn: Really? I wonder why she would do such a thing since we have plenty of tea back home.

Nago: That's what we thought at first, but she said something about how they had some new rare type of tea.

Gii: Yeah and after she drank it she got all giggly and sounded really happy but then she took us outside to play a game of croquet where Nago was the Mallet and… I was the Ball.

Nago: Yes and she tossed me into the trash after she used me to knock Gii out.

Valkenhayn: I see… do you two have any idea what kind of Tea Madam Rachel was drinking?

Gii: Oh yeah it had some sort of fancy name like… uh… Evala… Eva…

Nago: "Ivresse de la Nuit" oh it does sound so exquisite.

Valkenhayn: Ivresse de la Nuit?! Oh my…

Bang: You know of this concoction Sir Valkenhayn?

Valkenhayn: I most certainly do, Ivresse de la Nuit is a type of potion that was created a few centuries ago by Vampire Hunters, and its name means "Inebriation of the Night". It was an experimental formula for hunting monsters, as while it is harmless to humans it has… other effects towards the creatures of the night.

Taokaka: Meow! Sounds scary!

Bang: Indeed Tao tell me Sir Valkenhayn has Madam Rachel been poisoned?

Valkenhayn: Fortunately no but this formula can make Vampires behave rather… eccentric to put it mildly. Ivresse de la Nuit's effects have a rather intoxicating effect on Vampires but the affects can be different. Some can become severely agitated and would scream in frustration with little to no reason however there are those whom seem to be a lot more cheerful and affectionate when under the effects of this potion.

Nago: Wait a minute, Valkenhayn are you saying that our dear Princess is… drunk?

Valkenhayn: In a way yes, however the change of behavior does last a bit longer and it doesn't cause vomiting. But in a way the effects of Ivresse de la Nuit are similar to being drunk.

Gii: Well in that case we ought to find the Princess!

Bang: Yes the bat speaks the truth but have no fear Sir Valkenhayn for I, Bang Shishigami shall aid you in your quest to rescue the Princess.

Valkenahyn: I… appreciate your noble desire to help Mr. Shishigami but that won't be necessary.

Bang: Oh? Why do you say that Sir Valkenhayn?

Valkenhayn: Before I began searching for Nago and Gii, Taokaka told me that Madam Rachel arrived into Kagutsuchi recently when Taokaka told her that a young boy by the name of Carl Clover was nearby.

Bang: Carl Clover, my other pupil? But why would Miss Rachel arrive in Kagutsuchi due to that kind of information?

Valkenhayn: Well you see Mr. Shishigami for a time; Madam Rachel has shown a bit of an interest in young Carl Clover as when they first met she had a strong desire to play with him.

Bang: Aha! I see so my young pupil has an admirer huh? This is quite the joyous news…

Valkenhayn: Ah yes however Carl was rather uncooperative at first due to his… sister but despite this she does show an interest in him and has even aided him in his affairs. But fortunately I have recently spoken to his sister about how we are not his enemies.

Bang: I see…

Valkenhayn: Yes however now she is with young Carl and well remember when I said about how the affects of Ivresse de la Nuit can make Vampires more affectionate? Well I am sure I do not need to delve into anymore details now do I?

Taokaka: Heh heh Meow! So Bunny Person does like Shorty huh?

Bang: Ah yes this is truly a joyous occasion! For this is nothing more beautiful and sweet than young love! My little disciple Carl is becoming more of a Man, yet… I am starting to feel a little conflicted here… I mean sure I am quite happy for young Carl to find love but… but…

Valkenhayn: But what Mr. Shishigami?

Taokaka: Meow! Scruffy Man! Is this about how you still can't get a date with Boobie Lady?

Bang: Eh pay no attention to my other young pupil here! Uh what I mean is not too worry Sir Valkenhayn I can assure you that my young pupil Carl is being a perfect gentleman to your dear Miss Rachel.

Valkenhayn: Oh rest assured Mr. Shishigami I do not doubt you… (Under his breath) Though I cannot quite say the same thing about Madam Rachel…

Nago: Oh we really should be heading home Valkenhayn, Gii and I have had a rather long and hard day.

Valkenhayn: Oh come now Nago we have no need to be make haste about this situation after all night is almost upon us and since we are all here together shall we have a meal nearby?

Bash: Why that sounds like a fine idea my good man, after all as I have said this is a rather joyous moment.

Taokaka: So Tao gets to have more meat buns cause Bunny Person is having Shorty for dessert? Meow! Sounds good to me!

Bash: Well I wouldn't quite put it that way but yes I suppose that is accurate…

Taokaka: Well what are we waiting for? Let's go!

(And they did, but a little later on that night after Bang, Taokaka, Valkenhayn with Rachel's Familiars went their separate ways. As Valkenhayn returned home with Nago & Gii in tow he searched for a short while until they found Rachel and Carl lying down in one of the sofas. Rachel is holding onto Carl with a very nice hug as she is fast asleep while Carl has a rather dazed but happy look on his face.)

Nago: Oh my…

Gii: Is that the Princess?

Valkenhayn: Shh… Gii please be silent so we will not wake her.

Carl: Huh? (As his face is now beat red) Oh uh Mr. Valkenhayn it's a pleasure to see you… Eh what I mean is… well I can explain…

Valkenhayn: It's quite alright my boy, I do understand…

Carl: Really?

Valkenhayn: Yes, though Madam Rachel does indeed need her rest I should get her into her own bed. (As he lifts Rachel's sleeping body off the sofa) Not too worry Carl as soon as I get the Princess into Bed I shall transport you back into that Restaurant that you were in before Madam Rachel paid you a visit.

Carl: Okay, thank you Mr. Valkenhayn

(And in the next morning, Rachel woke up with a fairly strong head-ache wondering why she was feeling this way. When Rachel demanded Valkenhayn to provide an explanation of why she is currently suffering from a terrible head-ache in which he asked if she can recall what happened yesterday. Rachel told Valkenhayn that she was barely able to recall anything after she had a cup of that special rare tea. Then Valkenhayn along with her familiars told Rachel most of the details about her actions while she was… intoxicated in which let's just say she is not taking this well.)

Rachel: Ugh… Its bad enough that my head is feeling so much pain but to learn that I was acting like a hyperactive fool to the likes of Ragna and the denizens of the Kaka Village is so profoundly embarrassing… Oh what else can go wrong?

(Then Valkenhayn and the Familiars looked slightly nervous for a moment until.)

Valkenhayn: Madam Rachel there is… something else I should tell you…

(Then he walked to Rachel and whispered the last detail about her actions that day… with Carl Clover in which Rachel's eyes bugged out in shock.)

Rachel: I DID WHAT?!

Gii: Uh oh…

Nago: I do so not like where this is going here…

Rachel (getting really nervous): Oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my oh my… *panting* I don't believe this… I don't believe this… Oh I didn't want things to begin like this… (Now she has a rather terrified look on her face.) AH! Uh wha… what I mean is! Um… Grr…

(Then Carl is now teleported into Rachel's Castle)

Carl: Huh? What the? Oh eh hi Rachel… Eh heh heh… Nice seeing you again…

(Then Rachel was giving Carl quite the glare with her left eye twitching but her cheeks are bright red.)

Carl: Uh oh…

Rachel (as she is now having Carl by the throat): Listen to me and listen to me well, if you dare to inform anyone else about our… incident last night I swear I shall hunt you down.

Carl: Uh understood Rachel!

Valkenhayn: Madam Rachel I am afraid there are a few other individuals whom are aware of your actions with Carl while they were occurring.

(As Rachel let's go of Carl)

Rachel (gritting her teeth): Oh really and what other individuals would that be?!

Valkenhayn: Those such as Bang Shishigami, Taokaka are aware of your actions with Carl that day Madam Rachel.

Carl (thinking): Bang and Ms. Kitty already know? Oh man why do I get the feeling that they are definitely going to talk about this to me later?

Nago: What I am still baffled about this is that this boy apparently never tried to get his sister to get the Princess away from him.

Carl: Oh you mean Ada? Eh must have slipped my mind… uh what I mean is well it's not like I was in any real danger… I mean I never knew how… (As he started to smile and blush) cuddly Rachel can be…

(Then everyone in the room looked a little shocked particularly Rachel and Carl.)

Carl: EH what I mean is… is…

Nago: Humph! No further explanation is necessary you diminutive Casanova! This only proves on how you were certainly enjoying yourself with the Princess yesterday you little pervert.

Gii: Yeah you little pervert!

Carl: Pervert?! Am not!

Rachel: Silence! *ahem* Very well Carl, I suppose you might as well arrive back home, I suppose we should speak of these matters at a later date.

Carl: Okay… it was nice talking to you again Ms. Rachel…

Rachel: Agreed… I mean you should go now…

(And Carl was teleported away from the castle, moments later Jubei and Ragna were teleported at the Castle now.)

Jubei: Hey there Rachel, glad to see that you're feeling better.

Rachel: Yes though I seemed to have noticed that you brought Ragna in as well…

Jubei: Well yeah he really wanted some answers considering on how you tried riding him like a pony yesterday.

Ragna: Yeah, Jubei already told me some of the details such as how you were dancing with the Kaka Kittens and that he heard from the Old man here on how you were getting really friendly with that kid Vigilante Carl. While the first part was hilarious but the 2nd part was kind of surprising so is that true?

Gii: Oh yeah when we saw those two on the sofa last night she was snuggling him like a plushie!

Nago: Oh yes it looked positively precious and yet so scandalous at the same time.

Rachel (while gritting her teeth): SILENCE! (As they hear some loud thunder in the background, then as she regains her composure.) Anyways Ragna why are you suddenly concerned over my affairs?

Ragna: It was kind of confusing I mean I barely know much of anything about that kid Vigilante, since when did you know anything about him? Have you even met the kid?

Rachel: For your information Ragna I have, a while back I have arranged a little playdate with him in which I remember that all I was interested in at the time was him.

Ragna: Hahahahhaha Oh wow, ah man you really do have a little thing for him huh? What's the matter Rabbit you wanted a playmate that was more your size?

Rachel: Oh Ragna I should've figured that you would use insults like that you petulant man-child or is this your way of compensating on how Carl is more of a man than you are?

Ragna: MORE OF A… Wait a minute, okay Rabbit how would you know so well about how much of a "man" Carl is?

Rachel (gritting her teeth fuming): I have no idea on what you're trying to imply here.

Jubei: Okay you two lets try to calm down here, anyways Ragna I am sure you have more questions right?

Ragna: Yeah just what was that stuff that Rachel drank anyways?

Valkenhayn: It is known as Ivresse de la Nuit, its name means "Inebriation of the Night" and it was recently used as a Tea recipe in a local restaurant in Orient Town. It was the name of an experimental potion that was developed centuries ago by Vampire Hunters; while it is harmless to humans it has an intoxicating feel to creatures of the night such as Vampires. Once ingested the victim will suddenly display a highly eccentric personality, though the effects may somewhat differ on the subject at hand.

Ragna: So let me get this straight one swig of this stuff can get someone like the Rabbit here so completely shit-faced?

Valkenhayn: While I wouldn't use your vulgar choice of words but yes that is true.

Ragna: Ah man, I never knew that something like that would exist… Ah man I just realized something…

Jubei: What is it Ragna?

Ragna: If Rachel is going to get chummier with that Kid Vigilante how do I know she isn't going to help that runt anytime in the near future? After all that kid is one of the various vigilantes whom are after me.

Rachel: Hmm… Maybe I will, maybe I won't… After all, that boy seems to appreciate my company a bit more than certain other people.

Ragna: Oh goddammit Rabbit give me a break! I mean I have enough crap in my life right now as it is! I mean what are you going to use me as a present for your little boyfriend there?!

(As Rachel is now having another rosy cheeked glare as she is grabbing Ragna by the throat.)

Rachel: Hold your tongue while you still have one. Or shall I use your "other sword" as a lightning rod?

(Ragna is looking considerably creeped out by this and as Valkenhayn and Jubei are nearby.)

Valkenhayn (whispering): *sigh* With all due respect Jubei, but I warned you that bringing Ragna here would be a terrible idea especially at a time like this.

Jubei (whispering): Yeah I know but it's like I said last night when we were having our little conversation last night after you tucked Rachel in for the night. We both know that something like this was going to happen anyways so we might as well get this over with.

Valkenhayn (whispering): Yes that is true…

Jubei: Okay you two I think Ragna has enough questions for now so Valkenhayn ol' buddy mind sending us out of here?

Valkenhayn: Very well farewell for now.

(Jubei and Ragna have now been teleported away and are now out in a field in Kagutsuchi.)

Jubei: Gee Ragna you certainly handled that so smoothly.

Ragna: Oh please Jubei we hardly ever keep things civil and you know it.

Jubei: True but I must say Ragna I was kind of surprised on how you seem to be taking the news of Rachel's interest in Carl fairly well.

Ragna: Well yeah but why would you… (Now he has a very shocked look on his face) ah no… no no no no no no! Damn it Jubei! What the Hell?! I have WAY better taste in women than that Rabbit! Geez what the hell made you think there was anything going on between me and that Damn Rabbit?!

Jubei: Oh really? So that is how you feel?

Ragna (a bit more annoyed): Yes Jubei that is exactly how I feel.

Jubei: Alright Ragna if you say so.

Ragna: Yeah and besides if anything this might actually help me out I mean who knows maybe that little punk would give the Rabbit enough of a reason to leave me the hell alone for once. 

Jubei: Eh who knows, ah lets go Ragna, we can go ahead and have breakfast back in Kagutsuchi.

Ragna: Sounds good, I'm getting hungry though I wouldn't be surprised if Taokaka pays us a visit.

(Meanwhile back in the Alucard Castle)

Rachel: Valkenhayn, I wish to be alone in my room to reflect about current events so please make sure that nobody disturbs me unless it's absolutely necessary.

Valkenhayn: Yes Madam Rachel, understood.

(After Valkenhayn leaves, Rachel is now alone fondly recalling on what Carl said earlier that morning.)

Carl (flashback): Oh you mean Ada? Eh must have slipped my mind… uh what I mean is well it's not like I was in any real danger… I mean I never knew how… (As he started to smile and blush) cuddly Rachel can be…

Rachel (with a gleefully wicked smile on her face): I have managed to get his mind out of his sister for once; I am feeling quite victorious right about now. While part of me does wish that this occurred in a more dignified manner perhaps it is for the best for one to be a little bit more forward in times like this?

[Now Rachel was smiling at the Mirror as Valkenhayn was nearby smiling as well… ]

(Part Two: Valkenhayn's "Help Me Professor Kokonoe" Skit)

Valkenhayn: Madam Kokonoe! I require your assistance!

[Then we see Kokonoe at her lab in which she is at the center stage with the spotlight on her.]

Kokonoe: Greetings, lost children. I am Professor Kokonoe, genius scientist and ruler of the Sector Seven laboratory. …Well, OK, we aren't in the lab at the moment. This can be sort of be temporarily moved into the Boundary. Well, simply put, it's a mysterious room. A room where you can do anything you want. To be honest, it's a paradise for all those sad, little lost children who couldn't make it to the true ending. A sort of Avalon. If your one of those nutbars who's all "I don't need help" or "I only want to unlock hidden stuff" or "I'll just look for a flowchart online," then you can piss off.

[Brief Pause]

Kokonoe: Very well. Lost child of the day… you may enter.

[Then the Spotlight is turned off, Kokonoe walks… out of the stage and then the place is fully lit and Valkenhayn walks in and finds Tager and Makoto in the room.]

Tager: Ah good afternoon Mr. Valkenhayn

Makoto: Hi there

Valkenhayn (slightly confused, looks around): Good afternoon Red Devil & Madam Makoto…

Tager: Is something troubling you Valkenhayn?

Valkenhayn: Oh no it's just that I was expecting Madam Kokonoe in here. I am here for my "Help Me Professor Kokonoe" lesson.

Makoto: So you got a Bad Ending huh? The reason why I got one was Hazama.

Tager: Hazama was also the reason why I got one as well, well Hazama and Relius Clover.

Valkenhayn: Hazama was the only culprit in my bad ending but do you two know where Kokonoe is?

Tager: She is in a nearby room.

Valkenhayn: Nearby room? *sigh* With all due respect you two but she is being really unprofessional about this.

Tager: I know, I know but I can assure you that she is not deliberately ignoring your lesson.

Valkenhayn: Yes well do you two have any idea which nearby room she is in and what she is doing?

Makoto: She is on the Video Phone with Rachel she said something about wanting to talk about something she heard from Taokaka recently.

Valkenhayn: Madam Rachel? Oh dear…

Tager: I know I too feel a bit uneasy about this as well.

Makoto: Yeah let's just say I kind of have a reason why I am not in there as well.

Valkenhayn: I see, very well then I must be off to find Kokonoe.

(Moments later as Valkenhayn was searching the Sector Seven Labs but he was quickly able to overhear Kokonoe's voice from one of the nearby doors and as he is nearby that door.)

Kokonoe: Oh its nothing Rachel, I just heard some interesting things that a little kitty told me recently, such as when you were playing with little kitties recently.

Rachel: I don't know why you believe anything that mentally deficient miscreant would tell you.

Kokonoe: Oh I have my reasons there Rachel as I have heard all sorts of interesting details about a certain day you were having.

Rachel: Oh really?

Kokonoe: Oh yes but in reality I do feel a little sorry for you.

Rachel: Oh?

Kokonoe: Yeah, its such a shame you were so hammered when you had your first date with Carl, but don't worry I am sure you'll be sober on your second date which I'm sure will happen in no time.

Rachel: Really Kokonoe I have no idea what you are talking about so we shouldn't be wasting our time here.

Kokonoe: He's cute isn't he?

Rachel (beat red and fuming in embarrassment, gritting her teeth): I refuse to dignify that with a response, good day to you Kokonoe.

Kokonoe: Muahahahahahahaha… Oh Hobbes you comedic genius you… (Hears someone knocking at the door) Come in…

Valkenhayn: Greetings Kokonoe

Kokonoe: Valkenhayn, it's good to see you, today is such a lovely day huh?

Valkenhayn: Eh yes it is…

Kokonoe: Oh let me guess is the sight of me being cheerful a little too strange for you?

Valkenhayn: I suppose normally that could be the case however I am aware of the reason why you're in such a chipper mood. *sigh* You really shouldn't be having your fun at Madam Rachel's expense.

Kokonoe: Oh please like she never has any fun at my expense? I still remember when that little brat was gloating about how she heard of how one of my experiments went a bit… awry. I mean how the hell would I know that this experimental candy I was making would make me streak the Sector Seven Labs as I laugh like a maniac?

Valkenhayn: Oh my… *ahem* Anyways, Kokonoe I am here for my "Help Me Professor Kokonoe" lesson and we are clearly behind schedule.

Kokonoe: Oh so that is why you are here? Oh sorry about that… Heh heh… Oh boy this feels awkward.

Valkenhayn: Indeed

Kokonoe: *sigh* No offense Valkenhayn but I really am getting sick and tired of doing these skits, I mean sure I normally don't mind the gag reels that I am in but these "Help Me Professor Kokonoe" skits keep on reminding me on how the plot gives Hazama WAY too much special treatment! I mean Hazama is normally the reason WHY everybody else gets bad endings well him and/or Relius Clover.

Valkenhayn: Are Hazama and or Relius the culprit behind all the Bad Endings?

Kokonoe: Well not all of them but that is definitely the case for the majority of them. And let me guess you tried to stop Hazama from hurting Rachel but that green-haired shit stain managed to stop you huh?

Valkenhayn: *sigh* Yes…

Kokonoe: And you were wondering why I am getting a little tired of this shit huh? Okay then how about this, just because the plot for some asinine reason seems to be going out of its way to make sure you don't accomplish one certain task doesn't mean that you can't accomplish any task at all. I am sure there are other tasks that you can accomplish at all so try figuring that part out.

Valkenhayn: Well I suppose that does sound rather logical.

Kokonoe: You see, speaking of which what is your progress with reasoning with Nirvana?

Valkenhayn: I have made some progress as I have tried to convince her that we are not her enemies, though I suppose there is the issue of her younger brother but there is still a good possibility that he can be cooperative with us. I have heard recently that he is actually thinking of searching for you Kokonoe, you know that he will want the truth from you.

Kokonoe: Yeah that could definitely be a problem especially since he has issues with adults, can't say I blame the kid though.

Valkenhayn: Well yes but thanks to a couple of certain individuals his attitude towards that subject matter has softened a bit.

Kokonoe: Yeah perhaps he'll believe me when I tell him that I want to take down that bastard Relius too.

Valkenhayn: Perhaps though I suppose I would recommend letting Makoto aid you as it is quite possible that he will be cooperative with her.

Kokonoe: Interesting idea…

Valkenhayn: Yes perhaps we should focus some more attention on the young boy Carl Clover as perhaps it would be more beneficial on our part.

Kokonoe: I suppose but we can't really ignore Ragna either.

Valkenhayn: True but I do believe it would be for the best to give Carl some more attention as I am certain Madam Rachel would approve of this.

Kokonoe: Oh yes I suppose it would be nice if we could get her a playmate more her size huh?

Valkenhayn: Kokonoe please do be careful about how you speak to Madam Rachel about this.

Kokonoe: Oh like you weren't thinking the same thing? Anyways since you got your lesson I should be getting back to work so see you later Valkenhayn.

Valkenhayn: Very well then farewell Kokonoe.


End file.
